"How do you pick up the threads of an old life? How do you go on, when in your heart, you begin to understand, there is no going back?" -Frodo Baggins
No, I'm not going to run off to the Grey Havens, no worries. ;) But, I get what Frodo is saying about the fact that things cannot be the same after everything he experienced. The comparison isn't perfect, because my six months were not at all like his adventures with the ring, but we both went through life-altering events. I know I have changed. I view everything in a different light now. I'm not the same person I was. God has done incredible things in my heart. He has gently directed me and drawn me so close to Himself. I have learned things about Him in my time in Uganda that I want the whole world to know about. I want everyone to experience the closeness I feel with my Heavenly Father. I don't want to just jump back into reality and do everything the same as I did before I left. I can't do that. The changes that God did in my heart and mind won't allow me to do that. I know there is no going back. I've been home now for just over three weeks. I feel like I'm "back in the swing of things", in some ways. I'm driving, I'm planning a wedding, I'm spending time with family and friends, I'm watching movies, I'm working with kids at church, I'm eating American food, I'm able to take long, hot showers, I hear Michigan birds singing every morning, I crank up music with my brothers, I drink water right out of the tap without a second thought, and so many other "normal" things. But all the while, I have another world so prominent in my brain.
There is another reality that I was a part of for six months. There is a city in Uganda where everything is still happening, just like it was a month ago. Mama Margaret is still in her small house, selling chapati and working hard so she can send her kids to school. There are many women just like her, who are doing everything they can to make sure their children get an education. There is a church that is shining so brightly and impacting people all over Uganda. There are 50+ people that I was with every day, who are preparing to start university. There are children going to school. There are children at juvenile detention centers, waiting to hear the verdict from the court to see if they will be able to go home. There are young girls who are pregnant, learning how to love the babies growing inside of them and learning skills that will help them care for their child once it is born. There are people rescuing children off the streets, caring for them, and working so hard to get them back to their families. There are people working to give treatment to those who have Hiv/AIDS. There are pastors who have an amazing vision for the city of Kampala, and for the whole country, who are working every day to see the vision become reality. There are people preparing for the next group of 360 students, who will begin in just over 5 months. God is on the move in Uganda.
That is what I was a part of for six months. That became my "normal". And 25 days ago, I said goodbye to that reality. I was the first of the international students to leave. My housemates (aka my second family) all came with me to the airport and we said goodbye. It had not sunk in that I wouldn't do life with them ever again. It had not sunk in that I might not see some of them ever again on this earth. It had not sunk in that our adventure together was officially over. It felt like I would wake up the next day, in our house in Suubi, and we would go back to class again. My brain couldn't comprehend the fact that I was actually going home. I got on the plane, and after 20+ hours of total travel, 16 hours in the air, a missed connection, lots of lines, enough airplane food to last me forever, and lots of security checks, I finally walked through the doors and saw Jake for the first time. The next week seems like a blur. I saw so many people and had many overwhelming experiences. Everything seems to be pretty much the same as when I left, but for me it isn't. I can't just go through life the same way I did, essentially oblivious to what is going on all around the world. We can watch videos and look at pictures and hear stories, but living in it and being surrounded by it every day is so different.
So, the big question is...NOW WHAT? I know things can't be the same, so how should they be? How should I be? How do I fit back in to this world, when I don't want to "fit in"? There is only one place to find the answer, and that is in God's word. He has mapped out how we should live, and He even came and actually lived it. And not only does He show us how to live, He helps us live it. He walks right beside us, ready to catch us when we fall. I know this is true, because I experienced it every day. I know He is there, and we always say we can do nothing without Him, but through the last six months, I felt it every single day. I was so aware that I could do absolutely nothing without Him. I had no choice but to rely on Him, and He sustained and provided every day. EVERY DAY. He didn't take a break. He was by my side every single step of the journey.
My relationship with God has grown so much. Shared experiences is one of the biggest things that brings people together. I remember one of the adventure trips I went on with Powerhouse, out to Wyoming. It was the second day and we came to an extremely difficult challenge, where we couldn't have done it on our own. We had to descend down a steep side of a mountain, because we had lost the trail and were trying to get back on track. We were forced to rely on each other and trust each other. In the moment, it was hard and honestly not very fun. I personally just couldn't wait to be through it, and be safe at the bottom. But, as much as we were all relieved to be done, we ended up being so thankful for that challenge. That experience shaped our team and drew us all closer than I ever thought we could be. The rest of the trip was simply amazing, and we were so unified. By the time we came home, we were like a family, after only one week. The same thing happened with me and God. The reliance and helping each other was a little one-sided, but the concept is still the same. I felt Him with me everywhere I went, and even when I didn't feel it, I know He was still there. There were many times when, in the moment, I just couldn't wait for it to be over. But as I look back on the difficult things I went through, I wouldn't change them for anything, because they are the very things that strengthened my relationship with Him the most.
Uganda was my adventure trip with God. I learned so much more about Him and His character than I ever could have imagined. He is so faithful, loving, gentle, kind, forgiving, compassionate, just, jealous, fatherly, and trustworthy. I knew all those things before I left, but He revealed them to me in a whole new way. One major thing I realized when I got back was about trust. My "life verse" is Proverbs 3:5-6 "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight." Before I left, I would say I trusted God with my whole heart. I trusted Him because I knew it was the right thing to do. I trusted Him because He had shown me He was trustworthy, through other experiences I had been through. To me, trusting Him was the logical thing to do. But it is so much more than just logic. Now, I can say that I trust Him because I love Him, and I understand on a deeper level, His amazing love for me. I now trust Him because I honestly WANT to, it's not just that I feel like I HAVE to. The same is true when it comes to obeying Him. It all ties into trust, but now I want to obey Him because I love Him, not just because I know I have to. My relationship with God is precious to me. He is my best friend and loving father. He is my sustainer and protector. He is my refuge and strength. He is everything to me.
So, now what? Well, now I want to do everything I do with a purpose. I want my love for God to be the motive behind every action. I want to pour His love out on everyone I see. I want to help people come to the place where they can honestly say that God is their best friend. I want to live out everything I have learned. I want to shine His light brightly in this dark world. I want to build His kingdom. I want Him to use me in whatever way He sees fit. Pastor Calvin Oule was the leader of 360, and he always told us "360 starts at the end of the six months." The mission of Watoto 360 is "Discipling a whole person, to transform a whole community, and the whole world." That starts NOW. That is the "Now what".
